Homesick

Apparently I accidentally published this post, which I had meant to remain in edit mode until I decided if I felt comfortable with it being out there in cyberspace for all to read. Since it already went out and I'm feeling pretty damn happy (plus removed from the incident) at the moment, I think I'll let it stay out.

Written 5/31/11


So today I cried at school for the first time. I walked in to get ready for my third grade lesson first thing in the morning and my co-teacher said some things (nothing bad, all very kind) that struck a nerve and I couldn’t hold back the tears. If you know me, you know I don't cry very easily and if I do, I at least do it alone.

So here I am, 2 minutes until class starts with students shuffling in and looking for me to shout their usual: “Oh, hellooo teacha!” or “Hii-eee Rana!!!” They are freaking adorable, but nothing could help in me gaining my composure in just two minutes. My co-teacher, who I appreciate for always being very aware of others, both teachers and students, saw me and took lead while I escaped for a few minutes.

When I returned, my students were dolls. I’m not sure if they saw me cry, but if they did, they didn’t mention it. Except a young boy, who with the best of intentions shared this when discussing likes and dislikes: “I don’t like crying.” It totally surprised me because others were keeping it safe with foods and animals.

Emotionally, it’s been a tough past couple of weeks. Nothing bad has happened, but things that should not cause me such frustration, are. Everything trails back to the fact that I am very, very homesick. I tend to blog only about the positive, but there are definitely difficult times when being an expat in another country. No matter how comfortable I become here, it cannot compare to the comfort I feel when near my friends, family, and…I almost want to cringe for saying this…culture of, yes, The U.S. Or maybe I should be more specific…Oregon. Portland-ish, Oregon.

I’ll be home late July and I can’t wait to hear English all around me, go to the library, drink amazing beer/coffee/margaritas, play with my friends and family, hike some luscious green forests, go to the beach, and even do absolutely nothing, but in the safety of my mom’s apartment with my cats by my side. This serves as a very condensed and vague list of the things I want to do when I get home because, ever since I booked my flight, “to dos” are constantly popping into my head at an anxiety-inducing pace. I’ll sometimes be in the middle of a lesson either explaining something or writing it on the whiteboard, and something from the U.S. will take over my brain. It’s totally distracting!

And what I am most excited about for my trip back home is just being a "normal" human being; not being constantly put under a looking glass. I want to go places and not have my every move being watched. I want to just relax knowing people aren't watching to see whether I can use chopsticks, if I like a food, how I will react to anything and everything. I want to have conversations where never once is my appearance of topic...my having blond hair, my looking tired, my eyes being green, there being pimples on my face. Now I know these come from innocent intentions, but they are so very, very difficult to grow accustom to.

Anyway, I don’t mean for it to sound like I am unhappy, but perhaps more accurate would be to say that I am having unhappy moments resulting home homesickness. Still, I am keeping busy and enjoying the fabulous spring that Korea has to offer.

P.S.

(During a later class)

Me: What do you like?

Student:I like skeleton soldier.

Me: What’s a skeleton solder?

Student: (Stands up) RWWAAAAARRRR!!!

Me: Oh, yes, THOSE!


(During planning period inside my office)

Student: Lana likes me and I like her (Shouting in Korean from the hallway).

Roses are in bloom all throughout Anyang.

Put your whole body in, put your whole body out.

I have a cold, a red face and a couple pimples on my face. So what? Generally I always have a red face and a couple pimples on my face. But today someone at work kept asking, "Are you OK?" And I kept responding, "Yes, I am OK." I'm not sure what else they wanted me to say. Did I feel 100%? No. But I am always OK. So finally they said, "I'm just wondering because you have pimples and a red face. Ironically, I had just looked in mirror this morning and thought to myself how much better my complexion was getting since my earliest weeks.
This sounds rude to anyone living in America, but I'm pretty sure she genuinely felt concerned for my health. Earlier in the morning, I had told her I have a cold and certainly must have seemed low on energy. People in Korea are dead honest when it comes to appearance and rarely does it seem people get offended by these straight forward comments. I, on the other hand, was offended, but new right away it was a cultural difference and tried by best to roll with the punches. I took some time to myself and decided that I seriously need to grow some thicker skin. Shortly after realizing thick skin doesn't grow over night and honestly, I don't know that's even what I need, I watched the last 4th grade class of the week "put their whole body in" during the hokey pokey dance. They think this is the greatest thing to do since Dak-ji (Korean pogs) and I think it's the greatest thing to watch. Their bodies squirm all over the place, they giggle uncontrollably, and i got to switch my negative mood off like a light switch.
For other reasons besides the above-mentioned comment, the day was a difficult one (mainly related to communication boundaries). Here in South Korea, there are difficult days and there are easy days. But it is important to recognize that even during difficult days, there are positive moments and those easy days, well they are all the more valuable after a difficult one.
After school, I walked out of the building, took in a deep breath of crisp fall air, put my headphones on (just so happened "Soul Meets Body," by Death Cab for Cuties was on the iPod), and looked upward, something I sometimes forget to do when walking through the city. Everything looked so big and I felt so small and, for some reason, this was a comforting feeling, one that I ever so much needed.

Found yet another path home from school.

Tomorrow, I will conquer Mt. Bukan. You can be certain that photos will follow shortly. And if you want to see the funniest thing under the sun, then click here.

I'D DO ME

Today I heard a group of my 5th graders teasing one another in English. Top insults:

• "Her name is...." in reference to someone that is a boy and vise versa. 
• "She/He is my grandmother/grandfather." 
• "She/He is my baby." 

I could not help but crack up. In fact, I couldn't stop my laughing and had to move away so that I was not supporting their bickering/sluggish work progress. But seriously, at least they were using English in English class. Quite creative if you ask me...

And then I read shirts such as this on a daily basis; shirts that the students nor the teachers understand. Just me. How on earth am I supposed to keep my composure? 

4th grader. 

I've added the tag "English Shirts" because I'm certain I must start documenting these on a regular basis. 

And so it begins.

From the title of the blog, you might have guessed- I have a job in Anyang, South Korea. It is located at Beomgye Station (line no.4, station no.442). The school consists of 1,159 students and 59 teachers. Yikes! The start date is still unknown, but will be either late August or early September.

The position is part of the GEPIK (Gyeonggi English Program In Korea) program. After teaming with Joyce at Korvia recruiting and passing a skype interview with Buan, it was mine. Simple enough, right? Wrong! I originally began my job search with Aclipse recruiting through EPIK (English Program in Korea). Unfortunately, a combination of me starting the application process too late and my recruiter being an absolute slug put me straight onto an EPIK's wait list, where I may still be found. I also looked into hogwans on Jeju Island, as the area is absolutely stunning, but realized working for a business goes against my current aspirations as a teacher. Ultimately, the stability of a public school position, the fact that it serves all Koreas population (and not just the wealthy), and the vacation time being much more desirable, swayed my decision making (definitely recognize that there are pros to hogwans, though). The job search process was extremely grueling, but I am satisfied with where it has led me.

More about the process later, but for now, I leave you with the greater Beomgye station area: